Happily ever after

Grey haired, brown eyes … told me that we belong together. Popping back, one legged short … knows she belongs to you. Nothing can ever seem so right than being in those arms at night. Tuck me in as often as he can. Hold me tight as long as he could. All he wants is me and all I need is him. Don’t doubt it, don’t question it. I just believe it.

Open the door,
Open the gates,
Seal the forbidden place,
Lock it and lose the key,
Show him to the palace,
Where both heart lies,
Where happily ever after exists,
Right after the sunset,
Right after the loving kiss,
That’s where it lies,
That’s where we are.

Here’s for two years from now where our everlasting love would be immortalised in writing. No wonder you keep saying, “I love you two” instead of the normal too. Only to signify the two years we have to prepare for ever after? I can’t wait for it. Let me close my eyes more often to let time pass by faster how’s that?

Listening to the past; Living in the present

Events this year has just come piling up one by one. Turning 21 in a month’s time, and do I feel old, yes I do. I have to clear a bad name I do not even know about. The best thing is 99% of these people do not even know my full name. Please people if you do not know anything please do not say anything. I could careless about these people I have worst matters in my hand … My own flesh and blood is talking bad about me. God gave human the necessity to feel, see, smell and talk with all that he included a mind for you to think but in all these, we do not give fair judgement onto others. Just a question, do you judge others the way you wish to be judge upon as well? On words by mouth of others but the people, you wish to know about. Now, I have to clear messes I did not even start to begin with. This year alone I have to put up with a lot of this kind of situation. My enemies are my closest friends. The world is not fair at all. Think of it this way though. Although it is, a lot of shit to handle there should be a good that comes out of all these. Annoyance is the least of my issues but apparently is annoying to me right now. I do not understand why people judge you just because the way you look, talk or act. How you bring yourself to the world is how we are judge upon but being boastful or arrogant doesn’t mean you are a bad person just shows you think highly of yourself. If you can’t back it up then bow down and admit defeat. I am who I say I am. If I show myself to be a problematic child so be it, I am. Just too bad, you don’t know me well enough to know how much of a problem I can be. To disappear is not to run away from problems only just to get out of peoples’ words. Another summer day, has come and gone away, in Paris and Rome but I just wanna go home; if there is a home to go to.

Balla Baybe

Today’s game; 21st October 2006, I held the ball in my hand and looked up to the rim. I could see my move … dribble pass the defender … go in between two defenders … jump up … pull the ball back down a bit then put it through the hoop and score the basket! Damn it felt good. It felt great sweating my butt out for a good game. Forget the aches and pains, point matters. Win one, two, three games in a row. Then sit back and feel great about the good game I just had. This is me, I don’t need fancy dressings; I can go out with shorts and t-shirt and enjoy how my life goes. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturdays has a basketball session. How I missed the feel of the ball being released from my hand and goes into the hoop … make the crowd go awe because a chick just drive in and was foul 3 times on the way to the hoop. I have it again. That’s me. I don’t need to go clubbing or dancing. I can dance too … on the court. I got the shakes that would make you quake, the fries that can cross your eyes and I just got myself that I love so much. It is true they say love yourself before you can love others. I love myself knowing I can play basketball once again. Getting back the kind of game I know I can play. Hell, I’m back on court! I am purely a “balla baybee”, undeniably. It will always be that game that defines me. I think somehow I am missing out the best part of all this. As I drive to the hoop or take a shot … there’s this one person eyeing me from one corner watching my every move and loving me for all of it. If I had a lousy game he’d look to me and ask, “Where’s my baybee?” Stop pretending to play, play the game with PASSION. I have passion not just in the game but with you.

I have the ball in my hand and where do you think I am going? Left right? Ah yes, I don’t have a left but I can still put the ball in no matter how many times you try to stop me! I know where I’m going … to your arms where it feels like home sweet home. Psst psst … no one can stop me ;)

Broken wings and Missing Pitchfork

With a blinded and broken heart, I fell into the unknowing certainty. Being afraid of come what may, I found true love along the way. Believing in no such thing ever before now became impatient for a future with you and I. Your eyes tell no lie of how your heart feels. If you’re hurt the reflection of me in your eyes becomes distorted and when you’re happy your eyes seems it smiles looking into mine. Your touches say be mine for eternity. Your kisses say I love you so much and more.

But you have said so much it’s my turn now. For every beat of my heart it says, “Don’t ever leave me because I need you so much that even an inch of a distant could shatter me.” Every time I caress you with such tender and care I wish to say, “I love you so much and I’m thankful you’re in my arms.” When I look at you, my eyes would whisper, “At last, I have finally found true belonging.”

Home

Home is where the heart is, I am at home. Even if silence is our company everything is just perfect. A bit too unbelievable but home is where everything is safe. Somewhere you could just feel at ease. It’s so easy to smile around you. I am so envious of myself for feeling so happy around you. Ridiculous I know, but that is exactly how it feels.

“Let it be said,
Your heart holds me to place …
Right next to yours …”

You, Me and Us

My eyes are watery. My cheeks are red. My sides hurt. My heart aches. My tummy’s in a twist. It’s not because I’m hurt or sad but because of one man and one man alone, the one who conquered my heart and now has made my life filled with laughter. I thought I am cookie enough to make the world laugh but this one man makes me laugh.

Officially we have been together for one month. In one month we had our ups and downs. The first week was a piece of cake. The second and third week came a bit rough. The fourth week we were heading towards the finish line holding hands to receive the trophy together. Superb month, as I said it can be sum up into 3 words. “There’s a beginning, middle and hope there is no end.”

We have dreams; wants; hopes. What we want is being together as long as we could. My life hasn’t been this swell in years and the only people who able to do this for me was me. Now you’ve came along. I had managed to make basketball my life. You being in my life now, made you my life. Where have you been all this while? Just across the court unnoticeable cause devotion to the one you love. Where have I been all this while? On the other side of court devoted to the thing I love. Funny how someone fits so well in your life, there’s nothing you need to alter or change. I can be just myself and you accept just that way. I’m not saying this because you’ve said it, I’m saying this cause I can actually prove to you I haven’t change one bit just to fit in with you.

The missing piece huh? You don’t need to cut the edges to fit it in or change the colours or anything else. It just fits. I have bruises all over but it’s all because of basketball. Those are the colours of my personality you seem to understand it. Pain is what builds me up. Pain on the court shows I played my best to be the best I can. You see that. Is there more I need to say about us?

We’re a couple of oddballs when put together. “Let’s throw mash potatoes at them and see how they like it.” Let’s hide away the mash potatoes and put snowballs instead at least we’d have a blast! I need to look for the words so it comes out right. Everything feels so right. Everything fits so well. Everything has been so wonderful. You have been wonderful. Having you in my life has been great. The world that seemed never to have meaning in their words now has meaning once again.

I’m not afraid to fall because I know you’d catch me. I’m no longer sad all the time because you make me laugh always. Silence has not had its chance to accompany us. Sadness has met his match.

Darling, you’ve build a mansion for us it’s time to start a family so stop shooting blanks.

Being in love with a person makes you weak and strong. Being in love with yourself makes you stronger. Words commented to you, you take it whole it is either you taste it or not. Somehow, it is strange that a stranger can tell how you really are than the person who knew you for life. I may not be perfect … I may be a hypocrite but some principles you just cannot break for life. I do not know how to explain this really, because it is harder than it looks.

Worst comment you can ever get is from yourself because you say who you say you are, but if you cannot up live to it, you are only disappointing yourself. We believe what we want to believe. We may hope but believe in it may not be in our books. It is up to us to believe such things. Look in front of the mirror and ask yourself are you who you say you are? If you are not, then, why bother saying anything, being humble is one thing, being arrogant is another. A remarkable person in your own eyes is the best gift you give yourself, but when a person sees you the same, the greater it becomes. Smile to your widest and enjoy every word you tell yourself. Mere rambling that are empty when read clearly.

Fear is god’s gift to us; to know fear is good. You know what to fear and you know what to do. Patience is god’s punishment for us; to be patient through the worst situations ever seems endless. Where is the finish line to this scenario? My life is full drama I am the actor, co-writer and director. I lead it to a way I wish I did not have to. I am merely human. When we were born, we were gifted with a paintbrush to paint our lives. How do you want it? Black and white or colourful? You could paint in a rainbow if you wish; just to see if you could find a pot of gold at the end of it.

Lately, my life is currently taking up its course. Slowly this life boat of mine is rowing down a river that would bring an adventure to my life. I do hope to find the docks soon to build a new life and move on ahead. Can’t really go on this river for all eternity I need to know where I am headed sooner or later. It might just rain and cause a huge current, must be god’s way to see if my life boat can stay afloat. Well my boat is a bit rocky right now but I am doing my best to steer through the rough waters. I seem to have help in this boat right now.

I have to admit I almost gave up hope in men. I came to a thought that they were all the same. That after one, another would end up being exactly like the last one cause they seem to be judging others so much that they don’t realise they themselves are alike. But him, I believe he is different. I know he is different. I do not wish to be surprised by antics of men again. Anymore I’d probably snap.

My darling, if you ever get a chance to read this. I am so thankful to have you right now in my life. You made everything that seemed so glum just out right bright. I love the fact that you play basketball and love it as much as I do or perhaps more. God knows. I love how you make me laugh; I love how much I fit perfectly in those arms of yours and I love how comfortable to have you in my arms or just around me. Despite the goose bumps. It is actually a new thing for me to be nervous around someone. My darling, you made everyday seem wonderful to a point I don’t wish for it to end. Although it still does, I look forward the new day with you and every other day. Our relationship is an average of 163 days in a day for us, the cookie part, and the quirky part … All so lovely. I keep falling for you every day, no every hour; no every minute; no every second; Ah, bah humbug! I love you endlessly.

"Keep your friends close; Keep your enemies even closer"

I am reaching the last few pages of my book. I continue to write but this time I want to write about what have the people around me have done. I have a number of best friends, one I knew since kindergarten, the other since primary school, another since high school, a couple in college and a few along the way. They are a weird bunch I have to admit, but if you mix them up you can actually see what kind a person I am. My friends are the closest people in the bunch they make who I am;

you can never leave them out of life.

Although there are people who would hate you, for whom you are; these people are the ones that love you just for you who would be. I do not choose my friends, they chose me and all I can say is thank you for doing so. Even if you lose out in love, you realise that love from one person does not constitute the love you get from your friends. It is what brings you up when you are down the most. The other day’s bbq even if it was not a huge event it was among my friends. It felt safe and comfortable being around them. It was huge to have them around me. In appreciation to my friends whom are the closest and nearest, thank you

for being who you are.

-This is an appreciation to my friends; Faatin, Shaq, Syed, Ecah and Ams(sorry you couldn't make it) I love you people so much~!-

"Clap, Clap!"

“Clap, clap!”
One smile.

“Clap, clap!”
One day.

“Clap, clap!”
One night.

“Clap, clap!”
Wonderful moment.

“Clap, clap!”
Forgotten in both ways.

“Clap, clap!”
Applause to myself.

“Clap, clap!”
Thank you for all.

Invinsible

“Always the best ex-girlfriend never the best girlfriend,” Sound like a quote I am bound to live with it. Thank god in life it never ends just being the girlfriend or ex-girlfriend. Quite tired of hiding behind a bush or in a closet just to hide from my friend’s girlfriends or their admirer, apparently I can never be seen because either they’ll be jealous of me or I’ll be jealous of them. Of course I’d be jealous; I’m the one hiding in a closet because I cannot be called to public just as a friend. I’m annoyed honestly. It’s easier for me to explain my status but it is never easy to explain theirs. Is it hard to just understand who I am? I play ball with the men, I play futsal with the dudes and I hang with the boys. But I will always remain that person. Wearing a cap, dressing like a girl and acknowledged by the world as one I’d be forgotten by name because my appearance doesn’t count for who I am in person. Sickening don’t you think? I came to live with it. My head is screaming out, “DAMN!” My heart is whispering, “What else is new?” Need I walk around with shorts and t-shirts everyday of my life to be remembered who I am? At times, it is a compliment; then again, it becomes an insult. I guess it’s true when I wished to be called beautiful by not of the way I look but just the way I live up to my nature of sports and how I play the game. If a person just looks at me by that way, I’ll be gorgeous but when they see me as a girl, I’m invisible. Damn the world! These long hair needs to be cut sometimes I wish I was a boy at least people would take notice of me and I feel nothing towards a “relationship” then again, being me already I still feel nothing towards a “relationship”. My father calls me boy sometimes, it is because I do tend to dress like one but it’s only to hide myself. I am afraid of being ugly in person hence why I wish people to acknowledge me by my capabilities on the court or in a field. I’m better off that way. At least I can be proud of who I am when I am on the court. The feel of having the ball in your hands, you take control of what you want to do. Choose your way; to cut, to shoot or pass. You set the play in the court. I can’t seem to do that in real life. I can’t set the play of my life, just not yet at least.

Haven

Gosh oh golly! I am a good soul. Those who said it were right, I am too nice. At least to people I don’t even know. After a late night of haven, people were dripping wet and one was puking her hearts out. Stupid fool can’t hold in her drink. Stupid dope can’t hold her girl straight. I had my share of drinks but I came home walking in a straight line. Damn~! When will I ever learn? I got to put my foot down and say what I need to say. Funny thing is when your friends surround you and ask the major big question you rather not answer, or so it seemed, “what’s going on between the two of you?” You don’t know what to call each other but you hell sure can’t call each other names. But as usual, after a late hefty night, after a long aggravating week and a solemn month, the call you never expect to get comes. Thankfully, I was sober enough to answer it and talk to him. I’m surprised, does he still have senses for my well-being? Somehow he knew I needed him at that point the most. My heart jumped seeing his name on the screen of my phone but controlling all emotion (not wanting to show that I was tipsy or anything) I answered it calmly. Then I got the notorious “MONKEY!” usually by that it means, he either saw me with the bikini top (that I ever so failed to wear when I was with him) or he saw me watching over a girl bottoms up (puking hazardously). Do I miss him? Yes, I do. I miss talking to him a lot. The arguments are always the best. In the sense of warm and loving arms to keep me safe, I still got mine to keep myself safe. If I am capable of looking out for others I should be able to look after myself, right or perhaps not?

Time

To have the element of time to manipulate is a god like gift. We humans are never meant to have the ability to manipulate time. We are made with a mind to think, the ability to turn time in any direction they wish would lead the world to chaos.

We may think we want it to be this way then when we push forward to see that what we chose isn’t the best for us, we’d turn back time to change our actions … not knowing that it was the best for the other people in our life. We are selfish; we assume we only want what is best for ourselves. We forget. We include others. As much as we’d like to admit that we’re alone in this world, we never are. Our actions would always affect someone. We just might not know about it.

Funny thing is, even the world’s renowned superhero, Superman, doesn’t have the ability to manipulate time. Guess he isn’t so super after all. Time is a dangerous element in this world. Hence, we are never meant to call it our own. We were never meant to have it. The next time someone asks do you have the time? Say you don’t because it isn’t ours to call our own.

Time is cruel. It moves on and never stops to care for the needy, feed the hunger, and stop war or anything else. It continues to go and take life with it. Then again if time doesn’t exist, there can never be birth or happy moments in life. We won’t remember “the time” anything or anyone that has made us smile or laugh. Which can also be a good thing, and then we don’t need to remember our heartaches or sufferings. Just let life go on. But do keep in mind, time heals us.

Time is like a space in our lives; to be filled by actions regardless what it is. To have it is to treasure it and do the best we can with it and regret nothing of it. Don’t ever wish you can turn time to do things differently. Having the element of time is having it now; not then; not before; not later. Be happy with what you have now and what’s more to come.

Love? Blood?

20 years of sisterhood thrown away just like that. Neither of us knows the real story of what happened except those who experienced it. To believe own flesh and blood is too much for some, believe in stranger knew for a year more is easier to others. I’ve written about this before I cannot believe I am writing about it again.

On that day, the game was at play. In a game, body contact is allowed but apologies or mere compassion is much obliged. Instead ego and rage played that night. I was pushed from behind, I fell. I was upset for the foul play. It was a dirty push. I’ve played with men before that was low even for you. Didn’t bother to dust me off or ask am I okay. I got up and pushed him back out of anger. She came running from behind. I guess deep down I hoped and wished she came to back me up. Sadly, no. She defended him. 20 years of sisterhood pushed aside all over again.

I guess blinded by anger, she believed everything he had to say and heard nothing from my side at all. He said my father pushed him back where it was only I who touched him that night before he left the field. He said, he never pushed me, then why would I deliberately fall flat on my face? I’m searching for my sister. The one I grew up with. The one who said she’ll back me up no matter what it is. That one.

I went down this road once. It was with a different guy. Honest to god, that guy is much better. At least he still has respect for me despite how much we hate each other’s guts. Doesn’t she see the reasons why I despise his gut are for her own sake? I want my sister back. The one I still bathe with until now. The one I call my sister proudly.

You’ve chosen the men you love over me more than once includes this. I just can’t believe you are willing to sacrifice us for this. I somehow thought you are much of a better person than that. Being the eldest doesn’t make you the wisest. You cry when I felt no remorse for what I’ve done before. Don’t you feel any remorse for what you are doing now?

You think that the people in this house are ganging up on you. When, you are just pulling yourself away from us. Where are you my sister? Where are you? As much as I hate his guts I still accept him for being who you want to be with. I’ve never question your actions to you. I merely keep my mouth shut and let you live your life as long as he doesn’t hurt me or you. On that day, couldn’t you see? He crossed the line. He pushed your little sister and didn’t apologise for it. You are actually on his side applauding the fact that he did such thing.

Where are you my so called sister? Have you forgotten who were at your bedside when you drenched the pillows with you tears for whom had left you? We, you call your family came to calm you and please you so we could see such smiles back on your face. When it comes to a choice between family and love there is no choice to be made. I can’t hate you for what you chose. I don’t hate you for it. I question myself why more than I question you why. Where are you?

Dragon-tounged

You’re dragon-tongued;
You say one but mean another;
Dare you lie to me?
May god have mercy on your soul!
True enough reasons why you wish to be with me are for my own stupidity;
No more! I believe you no more!
Idiotic person! No wonder you did not fight to keep yourself alive.
Take pride with the vermin that are higher than you;
Fooled again; naïve no more.
Come near me and I will bite back!

People - the generation

It’s funny how people say that things don’t affect them but it actually does. They come up with a full frontal of being the strongest human there is though facing their worst part of life. Behind it all they just fall. They are human after all. It is manageable and understandable.

I have jackass for friends and bitches for companions. People can be self absorbed assuming thing evolve around them. Selfish, thoughtless and ignorant people, the world is full of them. I admit I can be one myself. I was given a chance in love; rejecting it then breaking a person’s heart. This place got me realizing how different people are. I sometime miss being who I can be, a little more self aware. Why bother about people from A to Z when I am only N? Give it a chance; people tend to grow on you.

I’ve got to learn to care more about myself than others. Example, it matters to me if a friend of mine needs help. I’d go to the edge of reasons to lend a hand. If it is otherwise, it never seems to concern my so called friend. It doesn’t matter if I had to walk home in the rain. Yes, yes, they have their excuse. Who am I anyway right? Oh well, walking is good. Don’t mind it. I just realised how much I give and gain nothing back.

I am taken for granted, as usual. You then realized sooner or later, who cares? Or in due time you realize that there are actually people who do appreciate your presence in this world. No matter how bitter life can be towards you, there is sweetness somewhere. The world we live in can no longer be trusted. If you’re rich for no reason, it could be a scam, fraud, or embezzlement. If you’re the fastest man on earth, you’re on dope. There’s no good in the world anymore is there? People do things and want something in return these days. There is no longer such thing as for the great of good or in the spirit of sportsmanship. So how do we continue to live on?

You can’t give a blind man 10bucks without wondering if you’ll see him the next day driving a Honda you’ve been saving to buy without his walking sticks but with the same shades he used to ask for money. Miraculous it may seem, but it isn’t. People change to adapt to situations. The world is changing, we’re adapting.

Televisions these days are running out of shows too. The other day I came up with one called “Man vs. Beast”. Where human compete with the wild. It’s utterly ridiculous. You cannot compete with living nature, they are made that way, and they do not own the civil mind to tell what’s right or wrong. They do what they were born to do and they do it best. Men cannot stoop in such level. There’s a sequel to it too, “Man vs. Beast 2”. People do watch this, I admit I did.
In the movies hitch hiking is made legal and seemed safe. In real life, if we hitch hike we would not end up to the destination we so planned to be in. I can’t help it if every time I flip through the pages of the newspaper all I see is rape or murder. Today’s headline would be “Six year old daughter rape by own father”. What has become of the world today? If we can’t trust our own flesh and blood who do we trust?

It’s bad enough that the world out there is harassed and mutilated by human’s actions and reactions. It’s worst that you can’t trust yourself that there could be good in people. Being aware of what is happening doesn’t change the world that is now. Ignorance doesn’t help either. What has become of us? Patience is a virtue; patience is the only thing we hold on to.

Nervous Butterflies

Nervous butterflies,
Lead me the way,
To truth and beliefs,
From hurt and betrayal.

Nervous butterflies,
Let light give you flight,
Let light be your guide,
Away from darkness and uncertainties.

Nervous butterflies,
Keep my hands held tight,
Give me strength and unity,
To open doors for things we avoid.

Nervous butterflies,
Trust in me as I trust in you,
No more heart breaks,
No more lies.