The Race

Is this a run that I am after? A chase I never seem to finish. I’ve jumped off many hurdles; I have yet to find the finishing line. That black and white flag I seek to signal me that I have completed my race. Sadly, this isn’t a race that I am in. I can’t win by doing this on my own.

These tears I have not shed for long,

These tears I wonder why it fall?

That person I once wrote about,

Has now left and I am to blame.

I can’t help it anymore. I’m back at the starting line with a new list of things to find. First on the list is … his heart.

In the still of the night
As I gaze from my window
At the moon in its flight
My thoughts all stray to you

In the still of the night
All the world is in slumber
All the times without number
Darling when I say to you

Do you love me, as I love you
Are you my life to be, my dream come true
Or will this dream of mine fade out of sight
Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night

Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night

A Pendant

Something about it that caught my eye, I saw only one then realised there were more of the same stone just a different pattern. Somehow this pattern seems to say something to me, I know it’s ridiculous I never thought a pendant would have a meaning in my life but this somehow does. It made me look and feel complete. You know the feeling, when you walk around and you don’t need to explain what kind of person you are the pendant seems to depict everything. This is it.

It’s funny the pendant seems to have written in it part of my life of who I was and become. It seems to have put a full stop to my ever winding life. As if, if it were words it describes everything that has happened to me. I know it doesn’t make sense but maybe if you see it the way I do, it would.

I read an article called “How to Beat "Dating Déjà Vu"”. In it, it wrote,

So you've finally gotten past the old relationship, licked your wounds, and sworn you've learned your lessons. You've starting dating again and you're even taking it slowly. Though you've healed, the hurt from the past is still vivid in your memory.

And then, suddenly, there he or she is! There's just something about this person that feels right. For all the people you've been going out with, this person seems different -- there's a comfort level you don't experience with the others. And so, you start to shun the others and make a more definitive commitment to this person.

And you're happy. Yes, this could be "the one"!

But then, a few months into the relationship, you start to realize that though your new partner seemed different from your last one, he/she really isn't different at all. The more you get to know the person, the more you recognize the same underlying traits. Maybe he/she isn't generous with money or not emotionally expressive or makes unilateral decisions.

And you ask yourself, "How could this happen again?"

Perhaps it happened because you let it happen? What you want solely expecting it to be different unexpectedly it remained the same? Or perhaps it’s like the theory of number 23, it isn’t there but you search for it to be there. You’re perhaps looking for it because you keep reminiscing about the past and what it was like.

There’s so many past which one do you keep to? Perhaps you should stop looking for the past and just experience the future as it is. It would be much understandable just to forget about the past because as much as similar it can be it is wholly a different person, true? If the past is what you want, then why couldn’t you be content with what the past had to offer?

I think what Incubus has to say in his song is true.

love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
and it feels like I'm alive
love sings
when it transcends the bad things
out of heartache, try me
cause without love I won't survive

tethered and abused
stand naked and accused
should I surface, this one man submarine
I only want the truth
so tonight we drink to youth
I never lose what I had as a boy
sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
is there a spell that I am under
keeping me from seeing the real thing

What the past has on me is something forgettable easily because up till now the past is still the past and has never changed his skin. Some might say jealousy is rearing its ugly green head but let me clear out one thing, there’s nothing to be jealous of a man who’s in a relationship where he goes out late at night without his “one true love” knowing what he does and girls throw themselves on his neck and he welcomes them with open arms.

Although the common fact is you’re afraid that you’re present may turn out to be just like the past so you keep aware of the events that happen around you thinking that it might be like what it was then. It’s about time you just put your foot down and walk through that walkway laid and not looking back to see if someone or something is trailing you from behind. You’re in the lead and you have Champion written all over the banner up on the podium waiting for you to put it on.

Love hurts but we can’t runaway from it. We need it to survive and live in this world.

Happily ever after

Grey haired, brown eyes … told me that we belong together. Popping back, one legged short … knows she belongs to you. Nothing can ever seem so right than being in those arms at night. Tuck me in as often as he can. Hold me tight as long as he could. All he wants is me and all I need is him. Don’t doubt it, don’t question it. I just believe it.

Open the door,
Open the gates,
Seal the forbidden place,
Lock it and lose the key,
Show him to the palace,
Where both heart lies,
Where happily ever after exists,
Right after the sunset,
Right after the loving kiss,
That’s where it lies,
That’s where we are.

Here’s for two years from now where our everlasting love would be immortalised in writing. No wonder you keep saying, “I love you two” instead of the normal too. Only to signify the two years we have to prepare for ever after? I can’t wait for it. Let me close my eyes more often to let time pass by faster how’s that?

Balla Baybe

Today’s game; 21st October 2006, I held the ball in my hand and looked up to the rim. I could see my move … dribble pass the defender … go in between two defenders … jump up … pull the ball back down a bit then put it through the hoop and score the basket! Damn it felt good. It felt great sweating my butt out for a good game. Forget the aches and pains, point matters. Win one, two, three games in a row. Then sit back and feel great about the good game I just had. This is me, I don’t need fancy dressings; I can go out with shorts and t-shirt and enjoy how my life goes. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturdays has a basketball session. How I missed the feel of the ball being released from my hand and goes into the hoop … make the crowd go awe because a chick just drive in and was foul 3 times on the way to the hoop. I have it again. That’s me. I don’t need to go clubbing or dancing. I can dance too … on the court. I got the shakes that would make you quake, the fries that can cross your eyes and I just got myself that I love so much. It is true they say love yourself before you can love others. I love myself knowing I can play basketball once again. Getting back the kind of game I know I can play. Hell, I’m back on court! I am purely a “balla baybee”, undeniably. It will always be that game that defines me. I think somehow I am missing out the best part of all this. As I drive to the hoop or take a shot … there’s this one person eyeing me from one corner watching my every move and loving me for all of it. If I had a lousy game he’d look to me and ask, “Where’s my baybee?” Stop pretending to play, play the game with PASSION. I have passion not just in the game but with you.

I have the ball in my hand and where do you think I am going? Left right? Ah yes, I don’t have a left but I can still put the ball in no matter how many times you try to stop me! I know where I’m going … to your arms where it feels like home sweet home. Psst psst … no one can stop me ;)

Broken wings and Missing Pitchfork

With a blinded and broken heart, I fell into the unknowing certainty. Being afraid of come what may, I found true love along the way. Believing in no such thing ever before now became impatient for a future with you and I. Your eyes tell no lie of how your heart feels. If you’re hurt the reflection of me in your eyes becomes distorted and when you’re happy your eyes seems it smiles looking into mine. Your touches say be mine for eternity. Your kisses say I love you so much and more.

But you have said so much it’s my turn now. For every beat of my heart it says, “Don’t ever leave me because I need you so much that even an inch of a distant could shatter me.” Every time I caress you with such tender and care I wish to say, “I love you so much and I’m thankful you’re in my arms.” When I look at you, my eyes would whisper, “At last, I have finally found true belonging.”

Home

Home is where the heart is, I am at home. Even if silence is our company everything is just perfect. A bit too unbelievable but home is where everything is safe. Somewhere you could just feel at ease. It’s so easy to smile around you. I am so envious of myself for feeling so happy around you. Ridiculous I know, but that is exactly how it feels.

“Let it be said,
Your heart holds me to place …
Right next to yours …”

You, Me and Us

My eyes are watery. My cheeks are red. My sides hurt. My heart aches. My tummy’s in a twist. It’s not because I’m hurt or sad but because of one man and one man alone, the one who conquered my heart and now has made my life filled with laughter. I thought I am cookie enough to make the world laugh but this one man makes me laugh.

Officially we have been together for one month. In one month we had our ups and downs. The first week was a piece of cake. The second and third week came a bit rough. The fourth week we were heading towards the finish line holding hands to receive the trophy together. Superb month, as I said it can be sum up into 3 words. “There’s a beginning, middle and hope there is no end.”

We have dreams; wants; hopes. What we want is being together as long as we could. My life hasn’t been this swell in years and the only people who able to do this for me was me. Now you’ve came along. I had managed to make basketball my life. You being in my life now, made you my life. Where have you been all this while? Just across the court unnoticeable cause devotion to the one you love. Where have I been all this while? On the other side of court devoted to the thing I love. Funny how someone fits so well in your life, there’s nothing you need to alter or change. I can be just myself and you accept just that way. I’m not saying this because you’ve said it, I’m saying this cause I can actually prove to you I haven’t change one bit just to fit in with you.

The missing piece huh? You don’t need to cut the edges to fit it in or change the colours or anything else. It just fits. I have bruises all over but it’s all because of basketball. Those are the colours of my personality you seem to understand it. Pain is what builds me up. Pain on the court shows I played my best to be the best I can. You see that. Is there more I need to say about us?

We’re a couple of oddballs when put together. “Let’s throw mash potatoes at them and see how they like it.” Let’s hide away the mash potatoes and put snowballs instead at least we’d have a blast! I need to look for the words so it comes out right. Everything feels so right. Everything fits so well. Everything has been so wonderful. You have been wonderful. Having you in my life has been great. The world that seemed never to have meaning in their words now has meaning once again.

I’m not afraid to fall because I know you’d catch me. I’m no longer sad all the time because you make me laugh always. Silence has not had its chance to accompany us. Sadness has met his match.

Darling, you’ve build a mansion for us it’s time to start a family so stop shooting blanks.

Being in love with a person makes you weak and strong. Being in love with yourself makes you stronger. Words commented to you, you take it whole it is either you taste it or not. Somehow, it is strange that a stranger can tell how you really are than the person who knew you for life. I may not be perfect … I may be a hypocrite but some principles you just cannot break for life. I do not know how to explain this really, because it is harder than it looks.

Worst comment you can ever get is from yourself because you say who you say you are, but if you cannot up live to it, you are only disappointing yourself. We believe what we want to believe. We may hope but believe in it may not be in our books. It is up to us to believe such things. Look in front of the mirror and ask yourself are you who you say you are? If you are not, then, why bother saying anything, being humble is one thing, being arrogant is another. A remarkable person in your own eyes is the best gift you give yourself, but when a person sees you the same, the greater it becomes. Smile to your widest and enjoy every word you tell yourself. Mere rambling that are empty when read clearly.

Fear is god’s gift to us; to know fear is good. You know what to fear and you know what to do. Patience is god’s punishment for us; to be patient through the worst situations ever seems endless. Where is the finish line to this scenario? My life is full drama I am the actor, co-writer and director. I lead it to a way I wish I did not have to. I am merely human. When we were born, we were gifted with a paintbrush to paint our lives. How do you want it? Black and white or colourful? You could paint in a rainbow if you wish; just to see if you could find a pot of gold at the end of it.

Lately, my life is currently taking up its course. Slowly this life boat of mine is rowing down a river that would bring an adventure to my life. I do hope to find the docks soon to build a new life and move on ahead. Can’t really go on this river for all eternity I need to know where I am headed sooner or later. It might just rain and cause a huge current, must be god’s way to see if my life boat can stay afloat. Well my boat is a bit rocky right now but I am doing my best to steer through the rough waters. I seem to have help in this boat right now.

I have to admit I almost gave up hope in men. I came to a thought that they were all the same. That after one, another would end up being exactly like the last one cause they seem to be judging others so much that they don’t realise they themselves are alike. But him, I believe he is different. I know he is different. I do not wish to be surprised by antics of men again. Anymore I’d probably snap.

My darling, if you ever get a chance to read this. I am so thankful to have you right now in my life. You made everything that seemed so glum just out right bright. I love the fact that you play basketball and love it as much as I do or perhaps more. God knows. I love how you make me laugh; I love how much I fit perfectly in those arms of yours and I love how comfortable to have you in my arms or just around me. Despite the goose bumps. It is actually a new thing for me to be nervous around someone. My darling, you made everyday seem wonderful to a point I don’t wish for it to end. Although it still does, I look forward the new day with you and every other day. Our relationship is an average of 163 days in a day for us, the cookie part, and the quirky part … All so lovely. I keep falling for you every day, no every hour; no every minute; no every second; Ah, bah humbug! I love you endlessly.

"Clap, Clap!"

“Clap, clap!”
One smile.

“Clap, clap!”
One day.

“Clap, clap!”
One night.

“Clap, clap!”
Wonderful moment.

“Clap, clap!”
Forgotten in both ways.

“Clap, clap!”
Applause to myself.

“Clap, clap!”
Thank you for all.