A Pendant

Something about it that caught my eye, I saw only one then realised there were more of the same stone just a different pattern. Somehow this pattern seems to say something to me, I know it’s ridiculous I never thought a pendant would have a meaning in my life but this somehow does. It made me look and feel complete. You know the feeling, when you walk around and you don’t need to explain what kind of person you are the pendant seems to depict everything. This is it.

It’s funny the pendant seems to have written in it part of my life of who I was and become. It seems to have put a full stop to my ever winding life. As if, if it were words it describes everything that has happened to me. I know it doesn’t make sense but maybe if you see it the way I do, it would.

I read an article called “How to Beat "Dating Déjà Vu"”. In it, it wrote,

So you've finally gotten past the old relationship, licked your wounds, and sworn you've learned your lessons. You've starting dating again and you're even taking it slowly. Though you've healed, the hurt from the past is still vivid in your memory.

And then, suddenly, there he or she is! There's just something about this person that feels right. For all the people you've been going out with, this person seems different -- there's a comfort level you don't experience with the others. And so, you start to shun the others and make a more definitive commitment to this person.

And you're happy. Yes, this could be "the one"!

But then, a few months into the relationship, you start to realize that though your new partner seemed different from your last one, he/she really isn't different at all. The more you get to know the person, the more you recognize the same underlying traits. Maybe he/she isn't generous with money or not emotionally expressive or makes unilateral decisions.

And you ask yourself, "How could this happen again?"

Perhaps it happened because you let it happen? What you want solely expecting it to be different unexpectedly it remained the same? Or perhaps it’s like the theory of number 23, it isn’t there but you search for it to be there. You’re perhaps looking for it because you keep reminiscing about the past and what it was like.

There’s so many past which one do you keep to? Perhaps you should stop looking for the past and just experience the future as it is. It would be much understandable just to forget about the past because as much as similar it can be it is wholly a different person, true? If the past is what you want, then why couldn’t you be content with what the past had to offer?

I think what Incubus has to say in his song is true.

love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
and it feels like I'm alive
love sings
when it transcends the bad things
out of heartache, try me
cause without love I won't survive

tethered and abused
stand naked and accused
should I surface, this one man submarine
I only want the truth
so tonight we drink to youth
I never lose what I had as a boy
sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
is there a spell that I am under
keeping me from seeing the real thing

What the past has on me is something forgettable easily because up till now the past is still the past and has never changed his skin. Some might say jealousy is rearing its ugly green head but let me clear out one thing, there’s nothing to be jealous of a man who’s in a relationship where he goes out late at night without his “one true love” knowing what he does and girls throw themselves on his neck and he welcomes them with open arms.

Although the common fact is you’re afraid that you’re present may turn out to be just like the past so you keep aware of the events that happen around you thinking that it might be like what it was then. It’s about time you just put your foot down and walk through that walkway laid and not looking back to see if someone or something is trailing you from behind. You’re in the lead and you have Champion written all over the banner up on the podium waiting for you to put it on.

Love hurts but we can’t runaway from it. We need it to survive and live in this world.

'Read the fine print'

If you think you knew life … it’ll just bite you back in the butt. First people won’t listen to you unless you’re credible enough. You had to be either, married, working, degree holder or older, people just don’t rely on common sense or knowledge anymore. You must have experience. Nothing in this world is ever easy I know that, but nothing in this world is face value either.

How do you explain to a half a century old man what he is doing is wrong when you are doing the same and the only difference is that he has 3 children and you don’t? You can try but then you only realised that it makes no difference because that person is your own father.

How do you tell a menopause woman to not do certain things but she won’t listen to you because she thinks you don’t understand? When God instil us with all these dos' and don’ts’ I wonder was there a requirement field fine printed underneath it stating experience needed.

How do you handle all these when you can merely handle yourself? How do you make people understand what are you trying to make them comprehend? Should you just wash your hands and hope to God that one day they’ll understand you or just sit at the side and watch everything crumble knowing you could have said something? I’m confused.

I never said marriage was easy but it was the only way out for me. I know it’s the wrong thing for me to use marriage as an excuse to run but you have to put in point that I love this man dearly. I would love to be with him for eternity and face our own issues. Although, I have no credential education to make me into a career woman I have enough to support my own two feet with the help of another we can support each other. I can do this but I have no guts to leave my family. I have not enough courage in me to pack up my bags and just leave them be, it won’t be right well, not morally though.

It’s a tough life, I’ve been trying to make people understand things the common kind of way. I’m kind of tired of people calling me an idiot for being too nice or just too kind. I really can’t help it, I am the kind. I’ve placed my head as a foot mat for people to wipe upon whenever they please for years already. I need to reach out and talk to someone but someone wouldn’t help my situation only I can. How? How? How?

You’re just out of answers for yourself and you’re running out of question for God. God gave you 2 fingers to point but none of it I can use. I can’t blame anyone for all this that has happen to me. Badly, I need to get out because after what I have known I need to get out. I need to clear my mind find my own way I don’t want to depend upon those who are not sincere enough to give and admit mistakes despite their own age. I guess I have made so much mistakes I can admit mine, at times.

Where are the shoulders you’re suppose to depend on at the time you need them the most?

Listening to the past; Living in the present

Events this year has just come piling up one by one. Turning 21 in a month’s time, and do I feel old, yes I do. I have to clear a bad name I do not even know about. The best thing is 99% of these people do not even know my full name. Please people if you do not know anything please do not say anything. I could careless about these people I have worst matters in my hand … My own flesh and blood is talking bad about me. God gave human the necessity to feel, see, smell and talk with all that he included a mind for you to think but in all these, we do not give fair judgement onto others. Just a question, do you judge others the way you wish to be judge upon as well? On words by mouth of others but the people, you wish to know about. Now, I have to clear messes I did not even start to begin with. This year alone I have to put up with a lot of this kind of situation. My enemies are my closest friends. The world is not fair at all. Think of it this way though. Although it is, a lot of shit to handle there should be a good that comes out of all these. Annoyance is the least of my issues but apparently is annoying to me right now. I do not understand why people judge you just because the way you look, talk or act. How you bring yourself to the world is how we are judge upon but being boastful or arrogant doesn’t mean you are a bad person just shows you think highly of yourself. If you can’t back it up then bow down and admit defeat. I am who I say I am. If I show myself to be a problematic child so be it, I am. Just too bad, you don’t know me well enough to know how much of a problem I can be. To disappear is not to run away from problems only just to get out of peoples’ words. Another summer day, has come and gone away, in Paris and Rome but I just wanna go home; if there is a home to go to.

"Keep your friends close; Keep your enemies even closer"

I am reaching the last few pages of my book. I continue to write but this time I want to write about what have the people around me have done. I have a number of best friends, one I knew since kindergarten, the other since primary school, another since high school, a couple in college and a few along the way. They are a weird bunch I have to admit, but if you mix them up you can actually see what kind a person I am. My friends are the closest people in the bunch they make who I am;

you can never leave them out of life.

Although there are people who would hate you, for whom you are; these people are the ones that love you just for you who would be. I do not choose my friends, they chose me and all I can say is thank you for doing so. Even if you lose out in love, you realise that love from one person does not constitute the love you get from your friends. It is what brings you up when you are down the most. The other day’s bbq even if it was not a huge event it was among my friends. It felt safe and comfortable being around them. It was huge to have them around me. In appreciation to my friends whom are the closest and nearest, thank you

for being who you are.

-This is an appreciation to my friends; Faatin, Shaq, Syed, Ecah and Ams(sorry you couldn't make it) I love you people so much~!-

Invinsible

“Always the best ex-girlfriend never the best girlfriend,” Sound like a quote I am bound to live with it. Thank god in life it never ends just being the girlfriend or ex-girlfriend. Quite tired of hiding behind a bush or in a closet just to hide from my friend’s girlfriends or their admirer, apparently I can never be seen because either they’ll be jealous of me or I’ll be jealous of them. Of course I’d be jealous; I’m the one hiding in a closet because I cannot be called to public just as a friend. I’m annoyed honestly. It’s easier for me to explain my status but it is never easy to explain theirs. Is it hard to just understand who I am? I play ball with the men, I play futsal with the dudes and I hang with the boys. But I will always remain that person. Wearing a cap, dressing like a girl and acknowledged by the world as one I’d be forgotten by name because my appearance doesn’t count for who I am in person. Sickening don’t you think? I came to live with it. My head is screaming out, “DAMN!” My heart is whispering, “What else is new?” Need I walk around with shorts and t-shirts everyday of my life to be remembered who I am? At times, it is a compliment; then again, it becomes an insult. I guess it’s true when I wished to be called beautiful by not of the way I look but just the way I live up to my nature of sports and how I play the game. If a person just looks at me by that way, I’ll be gorgeous but when they see me as a girl, I’m invisible. Damn the world! These long hair needs to be cut sometimes I wish I was a boy at least people would take notice of me and I feel nothing towards a “relationship” then again, being me already I still feel nothing towards a “relationship”. My father calls me boy sometimes, it is because I do tend to dress like one but it’s only to hide myself. I am afraid of being ugly in person hence why I wish people to acknowledge me by my capabilities on the court or in a field. I’m better off that way. At least I can be proud of who I am when I am on the court. The feel of having the ball in your hands, you take control of what you want to do. Choose your way; to cut, to shoot or pass. You set the play in the court. I can’t seem to do that in real life. I can’t set the play of my life, just not yet at least.

Haven

Gosh oh golly! I am a good soul. Those who said it were right, I am too nice. At least to people I don’t even know. After a late night of haven, people were dripping wet and one was puking her hearts out. Stupid fool can’t hold in her drink. Stupid dope can’t hold her girl straight. I had my share of drinks but I came home walking in a straight line. Damn~! When will I ever learn? I got to put my foot down and say what I need to say. Funny thing is when your friends surround you and ask the major big question you rather not answer, or so it seemed, “what’s going on between the two of you?” You don’t know what to call each other but you hell sure can’t call each other names. But as usual, after a late hefty night, after a long aggravating week and a solemn month, the call you never expect to get comes. Thankfully, I was sober enough to answer it and talk to him. I’m surprised, does he still have senses for my well-being? Somehow he knew I needed him at that point the most. My heart jumped seeing his name on the screen of my phone but controlling all emotion (not wanting to show that I was tipsy or anything) I answered it calmly. Then I got the notorious “MONKEY!” usually by that it means, he either saw me with the bikini top (that I ever so failed to wear when I was with him) or he saw me watching over a girl bottoms up (puking hazardously). Do I miss him? Yes, I do. I miss talking to him a lot. The arguments are always the best. In the sense of warm and loving arms to keep me safe, I still got mine to keep myself safe. If I am capable of looking out for others I should be able to look after myself, right or perhaps not?

Time

To have the element of time to manipulate is a god like gift. We humans are never meant to have the ability to manipulate time. We are made with a mind to think, the ability to turn time in any direction they wish would lead the world to chaos.

We may think we want it to be this way then when we push forward to see that what we chose isn’t the best for us, we’d turn back time to change our actions … not knowing that it was the best for the other people in our life. We are selfish; we assume we only want what is best for ourselves. We forget. We include others. As much as we’d like to admit that we’re alone in this world, we never are. Our actions would always affect someone. We just might not know about it.

Funny thing is, even the world’s renowned superhero, Superman, doesn’t have the ability to manipulate time. Guess he isn’t so super after all. Time is a dangerous element in this world. Hence, we are never meant to call it our own. We were never meant to have it. The next time someone asks do you have the time? Say you don’t because it isn’t ours to call our own.

Time is cruel. It moves on and never stops to care for the needy, feed the hunger, and stop war or anything else. It continues to go and take life with it. Then again if time doesn’t exist, there can never be birth or happy moments in life. We won’t remember “the time” anything or anyone that has made us smile or laugh. Which can also be a good thing, and then we don’t need to remember our heartaches or sufferings. Just let life go on. But do keep in mind, time heals us.

Time is like a space in our lives; to be filled by actions regardless what it is. To have it is to treasure it and do the best we can with it and regret nothing of it. Don’t ever wish you can turn time to do things differently. Having the element of time is having it now; not then; not before; not later. Be happy with what you have now and what’s more to come.

Love? Blood?

20 years of sisterhood thrown away just like that. Neither of us knows the real story of what happened except those who experienced it. To believe own flesh and blood is too much for some, believe in stranger knew for a year more is easier to others. I’ve written about this before I cannot believe I am writing about it again.

On that day, the game was at play. In a game, body contact is allowed but apologies or mere compassion is much obliged. Instead ego and rage played that night. I was pushed from behind, I fell. I was upset for the foul play. It was a dirty push. I’ve played with men before that was low even for you. Didn’t bother to dust me off or ask am I okay. I got up and pushed him back out of anger. She came running from behind. I guess deep down I hoped and wished she came to back me up. Sadly, no. She defended him. 20 years of sisterhood pushed aside all over again.

I guess blinded by anger, she believed everything he had to say and heard nothing from my side at all. He said my father pushed him back where it was only I who touched him that night before he left the field. He said, he never pushed me, then why would I deliberately fall flat on my face? I’m searching for my sister. The one I grew up with. The one who said she’ll back me up no matter what it is. That one.

I went down this road once. It was with a different guy. Honest to god, that guy is much better. At least he still has respect for me despite how much we hate each other’s guts. Doesn’t she see the reasons why I despise his gut are for her own sake? I want my sister back. The one I still bathe with until now. The one I call my sister proudly.

You’ve chosen the men you love over me more than once includes this. I just can’t believe you are willing to sacrifice us for this. I somehow thought you are much of a better person than that. Being the eldest doesn’t make you the wisest. You cry when I felt no remorse for what I’ve done before. Don’t you feel any remorse for what you are doing now?

You think that the people in this house are ganging up on you. When, you are just pulling yourself away from us. Where are you my sister? Where are you? As much as I hate his guts I still accept him for being who you want to be with. I’ve never question your actions to you. I merely keep my mouth shut and let you live your life as long as he doesn’t hurt me or you. On that day, couldn’t you see? He crossed the line. He pushed your little sister and didn’t apologise for it. You are actually on his side applauding the fact that he did such thing.

Where are you my so called sister? Have you forgotten who were at your bedside when you drenched the pillows with you tears for whom had left you? We, you call your family came to calm you and please you so we could see such smiles back on your face. When it comes to a choice between family and love there is no choice to be made. I can’t hate you for what you chose. I don’t hate you for it. I question myself why more than I question you why. Where are you?

People - the generation

It’s funny how people say that things don’t affect them but it actually does. They come up with a full frontal of being the strongest human there is though facing their worst part of life. Behind it all they just fall. They are human after all. It is manageable and understandable.

I have jackass for friends and bitches for companions. People can be self absorbed assuming thing evolve around them. Selfish, thoughtless and ignorant people, the world is full of them. I admit I can be one myself. I was given a chance in love; rejecting it then breaking a person’s heart. This place got me realizing how different people are. I sometime miss being who I can be, a little more self aware. Why bother about people from A to Z when I am only N? Give it a chance; people tend to grow on you.

I’ve got to learn to care more about myself than others. Example, it matters to me if a friend of mine needs help. I’d go to the edge of reasons to lend a hand. If it is otherwise, it never seems to concern my so called friend. It doesn’t matter if I had to walk home in the rain. Yes, yes, they have their excuse. Who am I anyway right? Oh well, walking is good. Don’t mind it. I just realised how much I give and gain nothing back.

I am taken for granted, as usual. You then realized sooner or later, who cares? Or in due time you realize that there are actually people who do appreciate your presence in this world. No matter how bitter life can be towards you, there is sweetness somewhere. The world we live in can no longer be trusted. If you’re rich for no reason, it could be a scam, fraud, or embezzlement. If you’re the fastest man on earth, you’re on dope. There’s no good in the world anymore is there? People do things and want something in return these days. There is no longer such thing as for the great of good or in the spirit of sportsmanship. So how do we continue to live on?

You can’t give a blind man 10bucks without wondering if you’ll see him the next day driving a Honda you’ve been saving to buy without his walking sticks but with the same shades he used to ask for money. Miraculous it may seem, but it isn’t. People change to adapt to situations. The world is changing, we’re adapting.

Televisions these days are running out of shows too. The other day I came up with one called “Man vs. Beast”. Where human compete with the wild. It’s utterly ridiculous. You cannot compete with living nature, they are made that way, and they do not own the civil mind to tell what’s right or wrong. They do what they were born to do and they do it best. Men cannot stoop in such level. There’s a sequel to it too, “Man vs. Beast 2”. People do watch this, I admit I did.
In the movies hitch hiking is made legal and seemed safe. In real life, if we hitch hike we would not end up to the destination we so planned to be in. I can’t help it if every time I flip through the pages of the newspaper all I see is rape or murder. Today’s headline would be “Six year old daughter rape by own father”. What has become of the world today? If we can’t trust our own flesh and blood who do we trust?

It’s bad enough that the world out there is harassed and mutilated by human’s actions and reactions. It’s worst that you can’t trust yourself that there could be good in people. Being aware of what is happening doesn’t change the world that is now. Ignorance doesn’t help either. What has become of us? Patience is a virtue; patience is the only thing we hold on to.

Nervous Butterflies

Nervous butterflies,
Lead me the way,
To truth and beliefs,
From hurt and betrayal.

Nervous butterflies,
Let light give you flight,
Let light be your guide,
Away from darkness and uncertainties.

Nervous butterflies,
Keep my hands held tight,
Give me strength and unity,
To open doors for things we avoid.

Nervous butterflies,
Trust in me as I trust in you,
No more heart breaks,
No more lies.

Lost?

Standing alone in the crowd, all eyes are on me.
Being on low ground but feel the terror of heights.
Standing on dry land yet feeling drowned by water.
Every breath taken feels like a choke
Every single beat of the heart feels like a knife.
Every drop of tears dry a part of me.
Every step taken forward seems backward.
As easy it was to stand it feels like I’m tied to the ground by weights.
As much as I want to see the world, all I could see is nothing.
All the sound in the world is silence to my ears.
What is there left for me to feel?

Oblivious

Oblivious as it is, never in my life having I said to anyone “I need you.” To belittle myself and put my standings in the mercy of others is contradicting to my beliefs. Once put in a position where my own two feet can no longer stand the weight put upon my shoulder a helping hand is gratifying. A hand to lift me up is the least of my needs. An open arm to hold me so I could be release from the weights for awhile is indeed wonderful. But all you could afford to give to me is a blissful feeling in the heart. Scratched by your words that meant so much now turn into ashes by your actions. Thank you for pushing me to the ground and stepping my head face down to earth. The taste of the soil ground although bitter it isn’t as bitter as what my heart had to taste. The scratches put upon my physical aren’t enough to remind me the painful truth of reality instead the sharp needles prickling my heart and soul paints a vivid picture of what is happening. You have indeed forgotten who I am …

A Riddle

What is sweet at first but bitter after,
It can turn a whole room bright but it would still be dark sooner or later,
What is beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside,
It changes it looks as well as you but you'd still be yourself,
What lies and hurts you the most,
It brings you nothing but tears and anger,
What we need most in life but somehow manages to take away life itself,
If you still don't know it is,
It is what we called love.

Happy New Year

Jan 2005, a new beginning a new year. I welcome the new year with open arms … may this year be a good one and better than the years before...

Misery

My hands are the ones that lifts the knife which cuts my skin,
My heart is the one that accepts the love which kills my soul