The Race

Is this a run that I am after? A chase I never seem to finish. I’ve jumped off many hurdles; I have yet to find the finishing line. That black and white flag I seek to signal me that I have completed my race. Sadly, this isn’t a race that I am in. I can’t win by doing this on my own.

These tears I have not shed for long,

These tears I wonder why it fall?

That person I once wrote about,

Has now left and I am to blame.

I can’t help it anymore. I’m back at the starting line with a new list of things to find. First on the list is … his heart.

In the still of the night
As I gaze from my window
At the moon in its flight
My thoughts all stray to you

In the still of the night
All the world is in slumber
All the times without number
Darling when I say to you

Do you love me, as I love you
Are you my life to be, my dream come true
Or will this dream of mine fade out of sight
Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night

Like the moon growing dim, on the rim of the hill
In the chill, still, of the night

A Pendant

Something about it that caught my eye, I saw only one then realised there were more of the same stone just a different pattern. Somehow this pattern seems to say something to me, I know it’s ridiculous I never thought a pendant would have a meaning in my life but this somehow does. It made me look and feel complete. You know the feeling, when you walk around and you don’t need to explain what kind of person you are the pendant seems to depict everything. This is it.

It’s funny the pendant seems to have written in it part of my life of who I was and become. It seems to have put a full stop to my ever winding life. As if, if it were words it describes everything that has happened to me. I know it doesn’t make sense but maybe if you see it the way I do, it would.

I read an article called “How to Beat "Dating Déjà Vu"”. In it, it wrote,

So you've finally gotten past the old relationship, licked your wounds, and sworn you've learned your lessons. You've starting dating again and you're even taking it slowly. Though you've healed, the hurt from the past is still vivid in your memory.

And then, suddenly, there he or she is! There's just something about this person that feels right. For all the people you've been going out with, this person seems different -- there's a comfort level you don't experience with the others. And so, you start to shun the others and make a more definitive commitment to this person.

And you're happy. Yes, this could be "the one"!

But then, a few months into the relationship, you start to realize that though your new partner seemed different from your last one, he/she really isn't different at all. The more you get to know the person, the more you recognize the same underlying traits. Maybe he/she isn't generous with money or not emotionally expressive or makes unilateral decisions.

And you ask yourself, "How could this happen again?"

Perhaps it happened because you let it happen? What you want solely expecting it to be different unexpectedly it remained the same? Or perhaps it’s like the theory of number 23, it isn’t there but you search for it to be there. You’re perhaps looking for it because you keep reminiscing about the past and what it was like.

There’s so many past which one do you keep to? Perhaps you should stop looking for the past and just experience the future as it is. It would be much understandable just to forget about the past because as much as similar it can be it is wholly a different person, true? If the past is what you want, then why couldn’t you be content with what the past had to offer?

I think what Incubus has to say in his song is true.

love hurts
but sometimes it's a good hurt
and it feels like I'm alive
love sings
when it transcends the bad things
out of heartache, try me
cause without love I won't survive

tethered and abused
stand naked and accused
should I surface, this one man submarine
I only want the truth
so tonight we drink to youth
I never lose what I had as a boy
sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
is there a spell that I am under
keeping me from seeing the real thing

What the past has on me is something forgettable easily because up till now the past is still the past and has never changed his skin. Some might say jealousy is rearing its ugly green head but let me clear out one thing, there’s nothing to be jealous of a man who’s in a relationship where he goes out late at night without his “one true love” knowing what he does and girls throw themselves on his neck and he welcomes them with open arms.

Although the common fact is you’re afraid that you’re present may turn out to be just like the past so you keep aware of the events that happen around you thinking that it might be like what it was then. It’s about time you just put your foot down and walk through that walkway laid and not looking back to see if someone or something is trailing you from behind. You’re in the lead and you have Champion written all over the banner up on the podium waiting for you to put it on.

Love hurts but we can’t runaway from it. We need it to survive and live in this world.

'Read the fine print'

If you think you knew life … it’ll just bite you back in the butt. First people won’t listen to you unless you’re credible enough. You had to be either, married, working, degree holder or older, people just don’t rely on common sense or knowledge anymore. You must have experience. Nothing in this world is ever easy I know that, but nothing in this world is face value either.

How do you explain to a half a century old man what he is doing is wrong when you are doing the same and the only difference is that he has 3 children and you don’t? You can try but then you only realised that it makes no difference because that person is your own father.

How do you tell a menopause woman to not do certain things but she won’t listen to you because she thinks you don’t understand? When God instil us with all these dos' and don’ts’ I wonder was there a requirement field fine printed underneath it stating experience needed.

How do you handle all these when you can merely handle yourself? How do you make people understand what are you trying to make them comprehend? Should you just wash your hands and hope to God that one day they’ll understand you or just sit at the side and watch everything crumble knowing you could have said something? I’m confused.

I never said marriage was easy but it was the only way out for me. I know it’s the wrong thing for me to use marriage as an excuse to run but you have to put in point that I love this man dearly. I would love to be with him for eternity and face our own issues. Although, I have no credential education to make me into a career woman I have enough to support my own two feet with the help of another we can support each other. I can do this but I have no guts to leave my family. I have not enough courage in me to pack up my bags and just leave them be, it won’t be right well, not morally though.

It’s a tough life, I’ve been trying to make people understand things the common kind of way. I’m kind of tired of people calling me an idiot for being too nice or just too kind. I really can’t help it, I am the kind. I’ve placed my head as a foot mat for people to wipe upon whenever they please for years already. I need to reach out and talk to someone but someone wouldn’t help my situation only I can. How? How? How?

You’re just out of answers for yourself and you’re running out of question for God. God gave you 2 fingers to point but none of it I can use. I can’t blame anyone for all this that has happen to me. Badly, I need to get out because after what I have known I need to get out. I need to clear my mind find my own way I don’t want to depend upon those who are not sincere enough to give and admit mistakes despite their own age. I guess I have made so much mistakes I can admit mine, at times.

Where are the shoulders you’re suppose to depend on at the time you need them the most?

Forbidden

Forbidden drink thou shall not touch
Slight glance away and thou sip what thou said never will
What thou didn’t know I was extremely hurt although it was a sip
Bad memories …

Now droplets fall from unwanted glands
Being push to the wall with a knife accuse for a crime not done
This is what I was trying to avoid in the first place
Heart aches …

Someone Like You

I’m awaiting that message that says, “I’m turning around to see you again.”
I’m awaiting that message that says, “I miss you can I come see you again?”
Just to turn the car around although he’s miles away for that short hug that you crave most. Maybe even that soft, sweet cheek on your shoulder claiming for a kiss with that beady eyes looking at you trying to look cute. Have you ever miss someone so much although you’ve just spent countless of hours being around that person?

I am. I miss him so much although I was just with him.
I miss him that moment he leaves me even for that one second just to go answer a call. Even when he hugs me I still miss him for some reason.

This man I fell in love with accidentally is currently holding my heart in himself. I know we’re corny but I love you so much, I miss you even more.

“Why must we say goodbye?
Parting is such sweet sorrow”