Invinsible

“Always the best ex-girlfriend never the best girlfriend,” Sound like a quote I am bound to live with it. Thank god in life it never ends just being the girlfriend or ex-girlfriend. Quite tired of hiding behind a bush or in a closet just to hide from my friend’s girlfriends or their admirer, apparently I can never be seen because either they’ll be jealous of me or I’ll be jealous of them. Of course I’d be jealous; I’m the one hiding in a closet because I cannot be called to public just as a friend. I’m annoyed honestly. It’s easier for me to explain my status but it is never easy to explain theirs. Is it hard to just understand who I am? I play ball with the men, I play futsal with the dudes and I hang with the boys. But I will always remain that person. Wearing a cap, dressing like a girl and acknowledged by the world as one I’d be forgotten by name because my appearance doesn’t count for who I am in person. Sickening don’t you think? I came to live with it. My head is screaming out, “DAMN!” My heart is whispering, “What else is new?” Need I walk around with shorts and t-shirts everyday of my life to be remembered who I am? At times, it is a compliment; then again, it becomes an insult. I guess it’s true when I wished to be called beautiful by not of the way I look but just the way I live up to my nature of sports and how I play the game. If a person just looks at me by that way, I’ll be gorgeous but when they see me as a girl, I’m invisible. Damn the world! These long hair needs to be cut sometimes I wish I was a boy at least people would take notice of me and I feel nothing towards a “relationship” then again, being me already I still feel nothing towards a “relationship”. My father calls me boy sometimes, it is because I do tend to dress like one but it’s only to hide myself. I am afraid of being ugly in person hence why I wish people to acknowledge me by my capabilities on the court or in a field. I’m better off that way. At least I can be proud of who I am when I am on the court. The feel of having the ball in your hands, you take control of what you want to do. Choose your way; to cut, to shoot or pass. You set the play in the court. I can’t seem to do that in real life. I can’t set the play of my life, just not yet at least.

Haven

Gosh oh golly! I am a good soul. Those who said it were right, I am too nice. At least to people I don’t even know. After a late night of haven, people were dripping wet and one was puking her hearts out. Stupid fool can’t hold in her drink. Stupid dope can’t hold her girl straight. I had my share of drinks but I came home walking in a straight line. Damn~! When will I ever learn? I got to put my foot down and say what I need to say. Funny thing is when your friends surround you and ask the major big question you rather not answer, or so it seemed, “what’s going on between the two of you?” You don’t know what to call each other but you hell sure can’t call each other names. But as usual, after a late hefty night, after a long aggravating week and a solemn month, the call you never expect to get comes. Thankfully, I was sober enough to answer it and talk to him. I’m surprised, does he still have senses for my well-being? Somehow he knew I needed him at that point the most. My heart jumped seeing his name on the screen of my phone but controlling all emotion (not wanting to show that I was tipsy or anything) I answered it calmly. Then I got the notorious “MONKEY!” usually by that it means, he either saw me with the bikini top (that I ever so failed to wear when I was with him) or he saw me watching over a girl bottoms up (puking hazardously). Do I miss him? Yes, I do. I miss talking to him a lot. The arguments are always the best. In the sense of warm and loving arms to keep me safe, I still got mine to keep myself safe. If I am capable of looking out for others I should be able to look after myself, right or perhaps not?

Time

To have the element of time to manipulate is a god like gift. We humans are never meant to have the ability to manipulate time. We are made with a mind to think, the ability to turn time in any direction they wish would lead the world to chaos.

We may think we want it to be this way then when we push forward to see that what we chose isn’t the best for us, we’d turn back time to change our actions … not knowing that it was the best for the other people in our life. We are selfish; we assume we only want what is best for ourselves. We forget. We include others. As much as we’d like to admit that we’re alone in this world, we never are. Our actions would always affect someone. We just might not know about it.

Funny thing is, even the world’s renowned superhero, Superman, doesn’t have the ability to manipulate time. Guess he isn’t so super after all. Time is a dangerous element in this world. Hence, we are never meant to call it our own. We were never meant to have it. The next time someone asks do you have the time? Say you don’t because it isn’t ours to call our own.

Time is cruel. It moves on and never stops to care for the needy, feed the hunger, and stop war or anything else. It continues to go and take life with it. Then again if time doesn’t exist, there can never be birth or happy moments in life. We won’t remember “the time” anything or anyone that has made us smile or laugh. Which can also be a good thing, and then we don’t need to remember our heartaches or sufferings. Just let life go on. But do keep in mind, time heals us.

Time is like a space in our lives; to be filled by actions regardless what it is. To have it is to treasure it and do the best we can with it and regret nothing of it. Don’t ever wish you can turn time to do things differently. Having the element of time is having it now; not then; not before; not later. Be happy with what you have now and what’s more to come.

Love? Blood?

20 years of sisterhood thrown away just like that. Neither of us knows the real story of what happened except those who experienced it. To believe own flesh and blood is too much for some, believe in stranger knew for a year more is easier to others. I’ve written about this before I cannot believe I am writing about it again.

On that day, the game was at play. In a game, body contact is allowed but apologies or mere compassion is much obliged. Instead ego and rage played that night. I was pushed from behind, I fell. I was upset for the foul play. It was a dirty push. I’ve played with men before that was low even for you. Didn’t bother to dust me off or ask am I okay. I got up and pushed him back out of anger. She came running from behind. I guess deep down I hoped and wished she came to back me up. Sadly, no. She defended him. 20 years of sisterhood pushed aside all over again.

I guess blinded by anger, she believed everything he had to say and heard nothing from my side at all. He said my father pushed him back where it was only I who touched him that night before he left the field. He said, he never pushed me, then why would I deliberately fall flat on my face? I’m searching for my sister. The one I grew up with. The one who said she’ll back me up no matter what it is. That one.

I went down this road once. It was with a different guy. Honest to god, that guy is much better. At least he still has respect for me despite how much we hate each other’s guts. Doesn’t she see the reasons why I despise his gut are for her own sake? I want my sister back. The one I still bathe with until now. The one I call my sister proudly.

You’ve chosen the men you love over me more than once includes this. I just can’t believe you are willing to sacrifice us for this. I somehow thought you are much of a better person than that. Being the eldest doesn’t make you the wisest. You cry when I felt no remorse for what I’ve done before. Don’t you feel any remorse for what you are doing now?

You think that the people in this house are ganging up on you. When, you are just pulling yourself away from us. Where are you my sister? Where are you? As much as I hate his guts I still accept him for being who you want to be with. I’ve never question your actions to you. I merely keep my mouth shut and let you live your life as long as he doesn’t hurt me or you. On that day, couldn’t you see? He crossed the line. He pushed your little sister and didn’t apologise for it. You are actually on his side applauding the fact that he did such thing.

Where are you my so called sister? Have you forgotten who were at your bedside when you drenched the pillows with you tears for whom had left you? We, you call your family came to calm you and please you so we could see such smiles back on your face. When it comes to a choice between family and love there is no choice to be made. I can’t hate you for what you chose. I don’t hate you for it. I question myself why more than I question you why. Where are you?

Dragon-tounged

You’re dragon-tongued;
You say one but mean another;
Dare you lie to me?
May god have mercy on your soul!
True enough reasons why you wish to be with me are for my own stupidity;
No more! I believe you no more!
Idiotic person! No wonder you did not fight to keep yourself alive.
Take pride with the vermin that are higher than you;
Fooled again; naïve no more.
Come near me and I will bite back!